Protected: Kids…. *sigh*

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Oh Mr. Right, I couldn’t even imagine it would be this fantastic!

I’m living together with Mr. Right now for about 3 months.  What happens in my life now is something I could only dream about.  I think most women dream about having this life.  But hey, I’m the lucky one to really have this life, to have a fantastic partner you can only dream about. 

He does things, unexpected, surprising,  but oh so sweet.  And everytime he’s doing these things, I’m melting.  Let me tell you about yesterday.  It was a hard day, all the kids were home because of illness and I had a lot of stress coping with them all.  But I managed, I even managed to clean the house from top till bottom.  When he came home from work, he made some pizza.  Yes, I have a partner who can cook really really really nice!!!  Ok, yesterday he only had to put the pizza in the oven, but other days when he cooks, I’m so proud of him.  He’s a real good cook.  mmmmmm…can’t wait till next time he’s making dinner.  After dinner, he told me to come upstairs.  I couldn’t believe my eyes!!!!  I came upstairs and he’d run the bath, lit some candles and told me to have a nice, relaxing, hot bath while he would take care of the kids.  I did enjoy the relax time and I thanked God sending me such a loving and caring angel.  Ok, I hear you thinking already… Why thanking God if you don’t believe in God?  At times like this, I think there must be something.  Someone who’s guiding me, someone who wants me to have the life I always wanted.  Maybe there is life after dead, because ever since Katty died, a lot of things in my life changed.  I’m thinking or should I say hoping she’s guiding me and making my life worth it.  And yes, with Mr. Right, my life IS worth it!!!  So please Mr. Right, please stay as you are, don’t ever change!  I even think I’ve not only seen half of your sweetness.  Man, I love you so much it hurts.  I miss you every second when you’re not with me.  Don’t ever go away, I wouldn’t survive missing you.

Nothing’s sweet about me???

Wise man

Silence is a friend who will never betray you

- Confucius -

You put on quite a show…

This song is according to Mr. Wrong.  Not about cheating on me with someone else, but about his crossdressing.  It feels the same way as cheating for me because I didn’t know and had to find out myself.  He didn’t want to merry me because I didn’t know about his secret.  That’s what he’s saying.  But what about making a child?  Isn’t that pretty much the same thing?  I love my son deeply, but I feel mislead, was I only needed to create him a son?  Why did he do that? 

Ohh, how about a round of applause
Yeah, standing ovation
Oooh ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah

You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You’re so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out

An’ don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it’s time to go
Curtain’s finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it’s over now (but it’s over now)
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone)
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talkin’ about, girl, I love you, you’re the one
This just looks like a re-run
Please, what else is on (ohh)

And don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it’s time to go
Curtain’s finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it’s over now (but it’s over now)
Go on and take a bow

Ohh, and the award for best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let’s hear your speech out

How about a round of applause
A standing ovation

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
Now it’s time to go
Curtain’s finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it’s over now (but it’s over now)
Go on and take a bow

But it’s over now

Minor crash

Yesterday, I had a minor crash.  I felt totally exhausted.  I’m tired all the time, my back hurts like hell, I’m trying to survive every day over and over again.  I have to do everything in the house, Mr. Wrong doesn’t do anything.  He does’nt even bring his own used dishes to the sink.  The backyard is one big jungle due to not mowing the grass, there are weeds growing with a length of 1,50m.  He leaves it all up to me…but hey…what’s new???

Normally my deceased best friend would turn 36 yesterday, but because of all the rush, all the stress and all the things I have to do, I didn’t have the time to visit her grave.  So I was also struggling with feelings of guilt.  But I wished her a happy birthday in my own way.

Maybe I look/pretend like I’m strong enough to cope with it all, but inside I’m slowly dying.  Yesterday a good friend who was comforting me, asked me why I’m so extremely opposite.  One moment I’m so vulnerable, intense and going into depth; the other moment I’m extremely closed, expressive, arrogant, nervous, superficial etc…  I started thinking about his question.  I know I’m living in extreme opposites, but never thought of asking myself why I’m acting this way.  I think I’m going to extremes because I’m trying to protect myself of being hurt, getting depressed again.  When I start to feel things, it’s nice in the beginning, but because I feel everything around me, every energy from every person, I drown into these feelings and I can’t filter them.  I don’t know anymore which feelings are mine and which feelings are from someone else.  So when someone else around me is feeling mad, I’m feeling mad, when someone’s feeling sad, I’m sad, when someone’s happy, I’m happy. One feeling is ok, but try to imagine that you have to cope with all of them on the same time.  It’s one big chaos.  When I’m alone, I try to feel my emotions, but I’m scared of feeling them because most of the time, they’re hurting.  Maybe that’s why i’m acting extremely, because then I can block my feelings, I don’t have to feel anymore.  But sometimes, only a few people can do the right movement, say the right things and then I can show my feelings.  The person who asked me the question is one of those people.  He can reach my inner soul just by one word, one touch and then he comforts me.  I’m so glad I met this person.  He’s someone you can talk to, someone you can cuddle up to. He’s a real friend, nothing more, nothing less.  Thank you my friend for being there, comforting me and asking me that question.

Especially for Mr. Right

Protected: One of the reasons why I’m leaving Mr. Wrong

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My very own macho man :-P

Ok, I think the biggest part of my fury has disappeared at the moment.  It keeps on building up every time until I see Mr. Right.  He’s the only one who can get me calmed down within a few minutes.  He knows what to do when I’m worrying way to much.  He lifts me up from my spiral of black thoughts and tries to comfort me in his own special way, even if he’s feeling a bit down.  The reason he’s feeling a bit down is because he sees how I get hurt everytime and he can’t protect me at the moment, he can’t keep me safe from harm, he can’t hold me in his arms and comfort me the way he wants to.  He gets hurt because he sees me crying and he can’t do anything about it.  But I’m glad he’s there on the phone when I need him, he talks to me and doesn’t hang up until I’m feeling a bit better.  We’re both languishing to be together finally.  But when we see each other, we lighten up, we talk and talk and talk.  I didn’t know I could have such intens, thorough conversations with him, so he keeps on surprising me everytime.  He looks like a real macho-man, but he’s nothing like that.  When I look into his eyes, I can see how sensitive he is, I’ve already seen tears in his eyes.  Macho-men don’t cry in front of other people.  It touches my deepest inner soul because of him showing me his emotions.  He doesn’t play a poker-face to hide his feelings to me.  When you don’t touch his heart completely, you don’t get in until he’s 100% sure.  Maybe that’s why people think he’s a real macho man.  But hey, I know better!  He’s the first to say: “calm down, relax” when I’m getting angry, the first one to say: “What’s the point in getting angry, that doesn’t solve anything!” 

The following lyrics express my feelings when I’m with him.

Bubbly – Colbie Caillat

I’ve been awake for a while now
you’ve got me feelin like a child now
cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
and I crinkle my nose
where ever it goes I always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under covers stayin dry *(safe) and warm
you give me feelins that I adore

It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

What am I gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just……..mmmmmm

It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

I’ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I’m comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin me tight

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever you go, I’ll always know
Cause you make me smile here, just for a while

Tell me why

Why is the only person that understood me lying 6 feet underground????